to send warmth: epilogue

agency, awareness, courage, love, expression, liberation, exuberance, faith, fight, insight, intuition, warmth, dance, ardor, pith, purpose, and personal discovery.

seeking balance of mind, body, and heart-- the journey of becoming the woman of whom i dream must share equally in all of these

and has
and will

{all my love}

always.

i am my father's daughter

softly silhouetted in the warm yellow hall light
contrasting the carpet of deep green shag
his frame bends in through the doorway
and brings my cup of milk

i've an idea,
he said
placed in your mind
to be a better man
i've made a crown
for you
and put it in your room

the glory of god is intelligence, he begins
light and truth
which truth shineth
which light proceedeth forth from the presence of god
to fill the immensity of space

he reaches his long arms, outstretched
holds them high above his head
palms facing out
fingers spread wide

as he speaks, i picture my long body
the trunks of my legs
the branches of my arms
outstretched, glowing and strong
like his
like the tree of life in the painting
like an electric neon nervous system
no dark silhouette
because i am filled with light

the light which is in all things
gently he lowers his hand over my heart
i feel his palm rising and falling with my breath
which giveth life to all things
and feel his aging wrinkled skin pressing up against mine
which is the law by which all things are governed--
even
the power of god
we whisper in unison

years later
standing to his left around the altar
i take his right hand in mine
filling his palm

with this divine embrace, he tells me
when you wear your clothes
i wear them too
i wear your shoes
and the jacket too--

through all generations of time
and throughout all eternity

promise? i ask
with mysterious urgent emotion
pulling the covers up over my shoulders
he kisses my wide open forehead
pauses in the doorway
switches off the light
and vanishes into the darkness

and the darkness comprehendeth it not.

but this is enlightenment

surely your turning of things upside down shall be esteemed as the potter's clay, but the less room you give me the more space i've got.

and all things which were created would have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created, but i am breaking down that wall-- brick by brick, in the marrow of my bones.

the light is breaking through, in the loins and in the sinews. as the dews from heaven distilling upon my soul, there is more love yet, more more and more.

so this i believe: that the free exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. and this i would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected.

for shall the work say of him that made it, he made me not? or shall the thing framed say of him that framed it, he had no understanding?

[your light overwhelmed me
when i lay beside you sleepless in the night
and when you dreamed my guardian spirits appeared
and the moon stretched out across your little bed
they said they'd started to get worried about me
they were happy we had finally met
we had finally met]

you can't say no to hope, you can't say no to happiness--
this is what i am and what i am about.

if the glory can be killed, we are lost.
but today has never happened, and so it doesn't frighten me.

skeleton of trust

right beneath me

i am flanked with
empowered by
embraced, armed, buoyed and held--

carry my joy on the left
carry my pain on the right

one by one
i can feel it
gathering, joining, building--

bone by bone
stone by stone

fierce body
filled with light
that growing light which hath no end--


patiently, and carefully

someone great

i look badAss. i leave the purse because it is too girly. i flirt. i smile, so much. swing my arms and rejoice. rejoice in who i am, this glorious me.

i feel like i'm standing alone in a quiet empty canyon. where am i? i think. i feel the crisp air wrap around me, dipping in and out of my lungs with welcome. this breathtaking epic space cannot be told, only listened. let me teach you, now:

.

how it starts

it's amazing how much being sick in bed makes me want to do

even when i'm not sick
even when i'm feeling totally fine, just sleepy-- the end of the day
just when i'm about to or supposed to
fall asleep
limbs grow heavy
and numb but all i can think of are
all the things i want to do
of course it's worse when i'm sick
when i know that even if or when i get up i
definitely won't have the energy do
it all, to look the day in the face, meet it
on the horizon running
gold spilling over
the city, picking it up i splash it
in my face
life life life life life life life
all around me, and i
want it. i want it but i
can't have it

all i can do is stay in bed

no sunlight

who knew how much emotion a thing could have. this thing, this thing we have to do, we because i cannot do it alone- who can withstand that kind of sadness?

but damn the we. cut it in half, put the thing between us.
damn the us. draw a line and close the door.

sure, i'd weighed on things before. every time i move, i weigh them again. this card, that cloth... a ticket stub? a candy wrapper? you kept those things?? smudged all over with emotion-- is anything clean anymore?!? things...these things.


i draw the curtain and exhale.

exactly you

"Eternal progression toward godhood was the goal of Mormon life and ritual. The demands might be heavy, but the prospect was exhilarating beyond all measure."

--Sarah Barringer Gordon

perfect human day

the snow falls softly, gently covering a bleak-colored city in milky white.

layer after layer, we cover.

i don't care, she says, it's not possible. always the same sentiment, but always with the same sad undercurrent, the layer unacknowledged-- the little girl disappointed.

layer after layer, we cover.

she asks, is it just a beautiful tradition, or is it real? but i ask, what is the difference?

she asks, is life possible, or is it impossible? but i say, is that the point--

see the paradox. live the paradox. embrace the paradox.

real or unreal, unforgettable.

Cover

See not my skin
Hide this my flesh
Veil my nakedness
Cling to my leg
Shade my breast
Shield this imperfection

Suit my every motion
Spread white threads
That bend as I kneel
Stretched over my arched back
Separating in and out

Thou art under me
Over me
Surrounding me
On my right hand and on my left
Encircled about
In Thee
I AM


jdh '06